About Men: 1

The Gentle One with Steel Eyes - an interview published in NRA. Author: Gunta Tabore Date: 2003-10-06

The Gentle One with Steel Eyes In the modern world, men are confused; their stable role has been lost. A real man does not cry, is strong and stable enough that a woman can safely lean on his shoulder. But what if suddenly, even for a moment, the male sex does not feel that way? What if the female sex leans on its own shoulders, leaving the man merely to hold himself together? Society still holds countless cliches about what a real man should be, yet it is precisely these that prevent him from being himself, an individual, and from building and maintaining meaningful relationships. Reading that the crisis center Skalbes invites men to attend a support group to explore their emotions and understand their role in society, one first gets a kind of dismissive, almost contemptuous smirk — what problems could men possibly have?! That is exactly what this conversation is about. The role of women in society has changed profoundly over the last hundred years — society itself has changed, and men cannot cope with the new situation using the old tools. They need to learn to understand themselves,” says psychologist and psychotherapist Ansis Jurģis Stabingis. The Wrong Solution The psychologist suggests looking at what is happening historically: “In ancient times, men were the real and proper sex, and women were the other sex. Then women began to fight for their rights, the feminist movement started, and they achieved a great deal. Women have significantly changed their place and role in society. If previously she was only allowed to do this and that, now she can do everything. She can be a homemaker, a president, an entrepreneur. The man’s role has essentially not changed, yet it now turns out to be somewhat conditional — not corresponding to existing reality. However, it does not look like any kind of men’s revolution, similar to feminism, is brewing,” Ansis Jurģis Stabingis smiles. He explains that men are much more inflexible, cannot adapt as well to role changes in society, and from these contradictions various problems begin — it is precisely among men that there are more suicides, alcoholics, gamblers, and other addicts, and violence against loved ones is increasing… “That is the way a man tries to solve his emotional problems. He tries to resolve the situation as best he can, to change something in a life that is not as good as he would like. But the essence is that something is not right with his feelings.” Tenderness Not Allowed Although roles in society have changed, men are still raised according to the old stereotypes. Boys do not cry, boys are strong, they must be able to handle everything… That is their role; this image exists in society’s consciousness. As does the rejecting, denying, unaccepting attitude when a man shows love and tenderness. “Lately this has been changing somewhat, yet it is still the case — if a man pays more attention to his appearance, if he is a bit gentler, devotes himself more to fine things — art, music, dance rather than sports, then what will society think? Often — oh, this one is homosexual, a softie… But this is actually pressure — saying, you are not allowed to be like that, to show tenderness in any of its expressions. It turns out that society forces the man to harden, to suppress his emotions,” emphasizes the psychologist. The result is evident — the majority of men truly do not know how to express their emotions. They have locked them away, hidden them, do not feel them. “Ask men — what do you feel? Most will shrug their shoulders — I don’t know.” Neither Mars Nor Venus But is it not given by nature that a man is different from a woman, and vice versa? Are not men from Mars and women from Venus? Ansis Jurģis Stabingis practically sighs: “Not from nature, but from society. These differences between a man and a woman are only instilled, passed down from generation to generation. John Gray, who preaches this theory that man is from Mars and woman is from Venus, tries to explain what he sees in society by basing it on different origins. In my opinion, that is foolish and wrong. However picturesque this theory may be, it does not allow anything to change, because it provides an excuse — we are the way we are, nothing can be done… It kills the possibility of improving the situation. These differences simply do not exist, except for the physical ones. In thinking, in the brain, they do not.” The psychologist explains that these stereotypes essentially tell a man — “just because you have a little faucet, you should not be who you truly are, but should be a real man. There is no such thing as a real man that one should aspire to resemble! Each of us is an individual.” Yet with this societal pressure, everything individual that is built into the personality is belittled, pushing one to conform to general standards. Where to Put the Disappointment? The psychologist is pleased that gradually much is changing. In legislation — men now also have the right to parental leave. In families — one can more often see fathers playing with children, participating much more in upbringing. In culture — different male images are emerging, gentler ones, not only the macho type men, the real ones. What will happen if a man starts thinking about these issues? The specialist does not believe anything can change immediately, yet it is possible that life will become easier for the man, and through him, for the woman as well. “One simply should not deny a part of oneself. Try to understand what to do with anger, resentment, disappointment… Sometimes a man also wants to be vulnerable, but he feels he cannot allow it. One should allow oneself to feel, to express emotions, and thereby open the way to a new quality in relationships.” SOME STEREOTYPES What a real man is supposed to be: • A real man does not cry • Is not afraid of the dark • Does not show his feelings • He only needs to be slightly more attractive than a monkey • A real man is strong • Earns a lot • Is the head of the family • Always ready for sex • He does not get sick and endures pain • Always handles his problems himself and does not seek help