Why Do People Shout?

When do people shout? When do people raise their voice?

No relationship begins with shouting. Shouting is the second or third act, but never the first.

Before that, there is a normal conversation. Then something happens, and after the event comes shouting. What is it that happened in between?

An obstacle, an interference. Something that stands between the two and prevents them from hearing each other.

This obstacle can be distance — like two mushroom pickers in the forest who shout to communicate. This obstacle can be noise, like road workers who must out-shout the roar of machinery. This obstacle can be a wall, like between neighbors, which must be shouted through.

Obstacles can also be internal — one’s own noise of thoughts and emotions, an inner wall of differing opinions, or a distance between values — these are the internal obstacles that prevent us from hearing the other.

External obstacles are easier to see. Internal ones — much harder, because we are not accustomed to looking within ourselves, let alone when searching for problems. External obstacles are easier to remove. Internal ones — much harder, because they are part of the imagined “self” — MY thoughts, MY emotions, MY opinion, MY values.

The feeling of “I’m not being heard” creates the need to speak louder — so as to be heard. Then, when I hear the other speaking louder, the natural (automatic) reaction is — to out-shout them. To speak even louder — until both sides are shouting. And then — from shouting to violence is only one step.

There is yet another effect — at the moment when I myself am shouting loudly (because I feel I’m not being heard), my own words fill the entire airspace — there’s no room left for the other, for what they’re saying. As a result, I can create for myself the illusion that only my viewpoint remains in the shared conversational space. But, of course, this is only an illusion.

The good news is that we can change. Our thoughts, emotions, and opinions are not of exceedingly great value. They are small change that can and should be exchanged — from time to time. It’s worth letting go of them as well — otherwise they’ll wear a hole through your pocket.

But to let go, you must trust. Trust that by releasing the small things, something else will come in their place — something more valuable and better. It’s worth trying. When there are no internal obstacles, there is no longer any need to shout. When I don’t shout, others will shout at me less. When others shout at me less, there will be more silence. When there is more silence, we can hear better.

Shiva Jnane Jiva Seva