Why Are We in Relationships?

Relationships are a topic you can seemingly think about, explore, search for answers, and try to understand endlessly. I have already written something about this. After that article was created, a seminar was also born, taking place on June 9th and 11th. Today (May 17th), while running a (half) marathon, this thought came to me. It demanded to be developed and put into words. In short:

We are in relationships in order to get to know ourselves.

You could say that we don’t know ourselves. We are not sufficiently aware. In other words — we enter relationships in order to get to know ourselves. For example, running. I have a certain idea about myself. The idea that I can run 21 km in less than 2 hours. For now, it’s just an idea. But to find out whether this idea of mine is true, I need to enter into a relationship — with the track, the road, the clock, time — and then I discover whether my idea about myself is true or not. (This particular idea turned out to be true.) This can equally be applied to relationships between people, which is, of course, the most fascinating field of exploration. I have become aware of a few things about myself. I have various ideas about who I am. For example, I (think I) am smart, helpful, attentive, capable of taking care of other people. These are just a few of my many aspects. Some are conditionally positive. There are also conditionally negative ones — I am lazy, avoid responsibility, inconsistent, lacking independence, unable to cope with life on my own, lie to myself and others. These too are just a few. A few that I have supposedly become aware of about myself. But how is it — is it the truth? Is my self-image accurate? Or is it just an illusion? The only way to find out is — through relationships. For example, if I think I am helpful, that I know how to help, that it’s not hard for me to do it, then life will bring me (setting aside the esoteric aspects of how exactly this happens) people who need help. A little, a moderate amount, a great deal of help. And then I see exactly how much, how, and whom I can and cannot help, how helpful I truly am. Or — I think of myself as accepting. Life will bring me situations (and people) that will be very hard to accept. They will do something that will require considerable effort to realize my idea that I am so very accepting. Perhaps it will turn out that I’m not at all. In my view, a crucial aspect here is that this process happens automatically and unconsciously. As a result, we meet people who are very good at showing us who we really are. This is the same thing that is discussed in psychotherapy — that the mirror of the soul is another person. That is, another person reflects my soul. Of course, I don’t know that I have asked, chosen to have someone show me who I am. I simply see the other doing something, reacting in some way. And I may not like it. And then I react to what I don’t like. I start telling the other how they should behave. And what they should stop doing. The comedy of the situation lies in the fact that it’s like trying to negotiate with a mirror about what reflection it should show. But the mirror simply shows what is! And if I don’t like what I see, it’s not the mirror’s fault! I myself am like that. The other simply shows it to me. Shows me that I am kind, helpful, attentive, nice, loving, caring, diligent, cheerful, protective, supportive, encouraging, patient, accepting. And equally shows me that I am deceitful, envious, jealous, stingy, unaware, unable to take care of myself, forgetful, careless, disrespectful, cold, insensitive, and selfish. In close relationships, you could say that the other person is a mirror combined with a surgical lamp and a magnifying glass. With the purpose of being able to see everything very clearly. And most often this is mutual. I mirror the other just as they mirror me. To make it even more interesting, there is yet another mechanism at work — I like to see myself as “good.” That’s why I want to be reflected “well.” That’s why this mirror is important, essential, significant to me. At the same time, I don’t like to see myself as “bad.” That’s why I don’t change the mirror itself but try to change the image. I comment on the other person’s behavior, express my wishes, later express reproaches, come down hard. I try to change them. Because I want the good stuff, and others don’t mirror that good stuff as well. By not accepting that the other only shows me who I am, by trying to change their behavior, over time the relationship becomes tormenting for both. There arises a desire to throw away, to shatter this mirror and find someone who would show a better image. But it seems the fault is not in the mirror… If I don’t change, then the next mirror will show the same — an unpleasant image. Moral: look at your relationships and you’ll find out who you are. And if you’re interested in the seminar “Discover Yourself in Relationships,” then sign up!