Psychotherapy Is Not What You Think!

Some myths about psychotherapy When talking with clients about psychotherapy, the same questions often come up: what exactly is psychotherapy, what does a psychotherapist do, how does psychotherapy work? Usually the conversation partner has their own opinion, which unfortunately is often based on myths. Here I have tried to compile some of the myths and explain what, in my view, psychotherapy is. Myth 1: Psychotherapy is only for weak people who cannot cope on their own. Usually it is the case that when we encounter difficulties in life, we try to cope with them ourselves, and for a while this works, but — when we cannot cope on our own — we seek outside help. But is every request for help a sign of weakness? If I cannot carry a piano up to the sixth floor and I hire movers, is that a sign of weakness? If I use a calculator or computer for calculations, is that also a sign of weakness? If in a greeting card I cannot compose a poem myself but choose one from a poetry collection, is that a sign of weakness? It seems not — seeking help indicates not weakness but rather care for oneself and an adequate assessment of the situation: “This time I will not manage on my own.” Even more — timely seeking of help can also be a sign of strength. After all, one must be strong enough to tell oneself and others: I cannot manage this on my own this time, please help! To manage on your own or to ask for help — often that is also a matter of money and time. But more on that a bit later. Myth 2: Please find what is broken in me and fix it! This request is based on the belief that a person is a mechanism whose functioning is determined by the specific movement of all its “parts.” The second belief is that someone from the outside can tell what exactly is wrong with me, find the fault, fix what is broken, and start it up — so it runs. Unfortunately, it is not that simple. Although science has been trying for several centuries to find cause-and-effect relationships in human life, it is still far from having answers to all questions. Even at an auto service I have seen a scene — three experienced auto mechanics standing around a car scratching their heads — what exactly is it that makes the car not work? If even a car, which was created and designed by people, whose construction is fully documented, which by design is immeasurably simpler than a living person, is nevertheless not understood, then what can be said about a person and the functioning of their psyche and consciousness? How can anything be done here? Psychotherapy (and the psychotherapist) cannot “fix” a person. A psychotherapist can help a person understand their difficulties and find ways to resolve them. A psychotherapist can help find answers within oneself. Working together, it is possible to find what in life can be changed to make it more fulfilling and happier. Myth 3: I will have to lie on a little couch and talk about how I hated my mother in childhood. That will not be necessary. This image possibly comes from Hollywood films or from a caricatured depiction of psychoanalysis. There, therapy is shown as digging into the past, searching for some well-forgotten event, the discovery of which would automatically resolve all of today’s current problems. It would be nice if a person were built so simply that one event determines all of subsequent life. Unfortunately, that is not the case. A person is free and chooses how to respond to what happens in their life — including how to react to childhood events. What to think, how to feel, what to do — a person chooses all of this themselves. Psychotherapy is not only psychoanalysis. Different therapy directions use different paths — thoughts, feelings, behavior, relationships, the body, as well as past memories. Following any path, it is possible to reach what is essential and understand what is currently happening in the client’s life, and how to change it for the better. Regarding the couch — nowadays the client and therapist usually both sit facing each other in comfortable chairs. Myth 4: Psychotherapy is for crazy people — I am not crazy! Yes, sometimes therapists also work with mentally ill people — these make up about 10% of all clients — the majority of clients are mentally healthy. Their reasons for coming are very ordinary — relationships, feelings, thoughts, problems at home, at work, lack of confidence — nothing “crazy.” Nevertheless, these are things that, if left unresolved, can cause major troubles and difficulties — truly, even to the point of illness. The psychotherapist is the specialist who can help avoid that. Myth 5: How can a therapist understand me and solve my problems if they have not experienced anything similar themselves? Can I know what a mother feels whose son has died, what it is like to be pregnant, to be a drug addict, to be gay? If I do not know that — how can I help? Similar experience has both pros and cons. Similar experience can bring closeness, but it can also interfere: if the therapist has been in a similar situation and found a way out, they may be tempted to offer the client exactly the solution they found themselves. But however similar, situations are not identical — at the very least the therapist and client differ as people. A solution that once worked for one person may be completely unsuitable for another. What is more likely to help the client is not the therapist’s experience of problems, but their experience of solving problems. Often the skills needed to solve the most different problems are one and the same — assess the situation and yourself in it, see possibilities, alternatives, desires, and act. A psychotherapist can help find the client’s own unique way of solving problems, which will be useful in other situations as well. Myth 6: Psychotherapy will drag on forever and cost an outrageous amount. And in the end, I will have to deal with everything myself anyway. It is true that sometimes psychotherapy is long. It is true that you have to pay for psychotherapy. And it is also true that you will have to work yourself. However, it seems that several things need to be explained: About duration: The client’s life as it currently is causes them difficulties. To get rid of these difficulties, something in life needs to change. But that rarely happens in one instant, especially because the person has already tried to do something themselves — unfortunately unsuccessfully. The existing attitudes, thoughts, and ways of reacting have been formed over the client’s entire lifetime. To change what has been built for so long also takes time. About cost: What are you paying for in therapy? For the psychotherapist’s time spent together with the client, not thinking about anything else. For the psychotherapist’s work — for their effort in trying to delve deep, to understand, to feel the client and their life — as it is. For the psychotherapist’s qualifications — the education and experience that they use for the client’s benefit. Therapy is not a primary necessity — it is not needed by everyone. Yet — although therapy must be paid for, the result in the long term will be cheaper than years of diminished work capacity, ruined relationships with loved ones, potential physical health problems, and so on. And finally, psychotherapy never costs more than the client can afford. About having to do everything yourself: The truth is that in psychotherapy, each person does their part. The therapist does theirs, and the client must do theirs. The psychotherapist’s work cannot cancel or replace the client’s work. The psychotherapist can be compared to a coach who prepares an athlete for competition. Regardless of how much the coach does, it is still the athlete who must sweat in training and participate in the competition. But in the end, it is the athlete who stands on the winner’s podium — not the coach. What then is psychotherapy? One of the paradoxes of psychotherapy is that the psychotherapist’s goal is to become unnecessary. The psychotherapist uses their skills, knowledge, and experience to accompany the client to a point on life’s path from which the client can continue on their own, without outside help. The psychotherapist’s goal is to help the client develop their inner strength — so that the client can then rely on themselves. Psychotherapy is a meeting of two people — a collaboration. What comes out of this collaboration in the end depends equally on both participants. It is similar with dance — one and the same dance will look different when Jānis dances it with Anna than when the same Jānis dances the same dance with Ilze. Or in theater — when just one actor changes in an ensemble, the same play turns out differently. Unfortunately, this also means that with a specific therapist and a specific client, therapy may not work out — however professional the therapist may be. Theoretical knowledge, skills, techniques, and experience can facilitate collaboration, but on a purely human level, the relationship may not work out. A professional therapist will notice this in time and suggest a solution — another opportunity to receive help. A psychotherapist is like a mirror — in which one can see what life truly is. This does not mean the psychotherapist knows better — just as a mirror does not know what the reflection should look like. A mirror reflects what is. To see your image, a piece of glass coated with a silver layer is enough. To see your soul, a different kind of mirror is needed — a soul mirror — another soul. Of course, the therapist is not the only soul that reflects the client’s soul — the same is done by other people who are around the client in daily life. However, with others it can be harder to understand oneself, because every soul is alive — it can alter, distort the reflection. That is why the psychotherapist themselves goes to their own psychotherapy — so as not to confuse things that come from themselves with those that come from the client. When beginning changes in one’s life, it is good to have something to rely on — something that is secure and remains constant. One could say that this anchor point for the client, at the moment when changes are happening in their life, is the psychotherapist. A support that is outside the client, yet is always alongside and available to the client. It is simpler and easier to change when there is support. Psychotherapy is not treatment. Physicians know what diseases are, how they arise, and what actions must be taken to cure the patient. (See myth 2.) The psychotherapist does not know this; they search for and find the answers to these questions together with the client, because the answers are different for each person. Psychotherapy is an attempt to more deeply understand the client’s life — the way the client exists in this world. Conclusion Quite certainly, if another therapist were to write such an article, it would turn out differently. Quite certainly, if I wrote this article a year from now, it would also be different. Even now, if after reading this article you visit a psychotherapist, something entirely different may happen there. Therefore it seems that it is not so important to define what psychotherapy is, as to know that psychotherapy can help — as it has helped many people until now.