Letting Go of Attachment

Most of our troubles stem from our passionate desire to cling to things that we mistakenly perceive as permanent. Dalai Lama

One of the fundamental insights of Buddhism is that life is suffering and the cause of suffering is attachment. It is in human nature to become attached. We seek stability because uncertainty and unpredictability create anxiety in us. Therefore, as humans, we search for something to hold on to — and we hold on through attachment. We can become attached to possessions just as easily as to people, work, ideas, statuses, or outcomes. We turn these things into values and orient our lives around them. But the fact is that all these things are impermanent. Possessions get lost or break, people part or die, work comes and goes, ideas fail to materialize, statuses change, outcomes are not what we expected. When we experience this loss, we suffer. Buddhism offers a simple prescription — since suffering arises from attachment, to avoid suffering — do not become attached. Non-attachment means — letting go. Releasing. But how does one do that? It is not simple, and a one-time decision is not enough. Non-attachment must be learned, practiced, taken step by step, day by day, moment by moment — noticing those moments when we want to cling and choosing to act differently. Below I have compiled some advice from experienced people on how to practice non-attachment in daily life:

Experience Without Attachment

Accept the moment as it is, without trying to turn it into yesterday — no matter how good yesterday was, it has passed. Without planning to make it into tomorrow — it has not yet arrived. Be in the moment and rejoice in what is, because it will pass, it will end. Nothing is permanent, nothing is eternal. Arguing with this insight will only increase the pain. Trust that you have enough. The truth is that tomorrow will be different from today, no matter how hard we try. Relationships can end. So can work. Possessions can disappear. There is nothing you can do today to guarantee that it will not happen tomorrow. Therefore, what you can do today is be grateful and rejoice in what is. That is enough. Slow yourself down. Notice those moments when you cling to people, possessions, circumstances. Notice the attachment itself and slow yourself down, savoring the moment that has been given — knowing that it will one day end. Describe yourself flexibly. We are all constantly changing, growing. When describing yourself, use words that can withstand change and growth. If, when talking about yourself, you use your interests, roles, and relationships, that will only increase attachment, because losing what you have means losing part of who you are. Enjoy the present fully. It does not matter how long you will be in a good experience or in a relationship with the person you love — it will never be enough. So do not think about quantity — instead, look at quality. Live now — in this moment, as it is.

Regarding Attachment to Other People:

Befriend yourself — Letting go of other people is much harder when your self-worth depends on them. Befriend yourself and trust that your worth does not depend on what others say or think. That way you will be able to be in genuine relationships with others — not with the feelings they evoke in you. Spend time alone. Learn to enjoy solitude. Develop your own interests, because those can never be taken away from you by anyone. Build your interests so they are not dependent on other people or circumstances. Hold lightly. Do not hold on too tightly, no matter how dear the other person is. Contrary to what romanticism says, people are not each other’s other halves. Each person is whole and separate. People can be close, but if the closeness is too tight, it hinders both. Being together with another, remember that you are both whole, complete, and finished even without each other. Connect with many people. If your life has only a few relationships, they can become too important. There are billions of people in this world — be open to new relationships! Allow for the possibility that in the future you will also meet people with whom to share love. Do not make excuses. Thoughts like “I cannot live without her,” “my life is worthless without her,” “she is the meaning and content of my life” appear to be true, but they are not. The only way to let go of a relationship without feeling pain is the belief that you are strong enough to go on living when things change. And they will certainly change.

Regarding Attachment to the Past:

Remember that the past cannot be changed. It cannot be changed even if you replay it in your thoughts a thousand times. Even if you punish yourself. Even if you refuse to accept it. The past has passed. The only way to free yourself from suffering is to forgive yourself. No one else can bring peace into your mind — only you yourself. Love, do not fear. Attachment to the past is often connected with fear — fear that a second chance will not be given, fear that you will not cope. Instead of fear, it is worth focusing on what you love — and instead of worry, joy will emerge. The present matters. Instead of thinking about what you did or did not do, who you were or were not, do a good deed today, now. Be who you want to be — today. Help someone. Say thank you. Make today so full and meaningful that there is no room left for worrying about yesterday. Tell the story calmly. Our experience is not only what has happened but also how we tell the story — including to ourselves. Do not create drama when talking about the past. Instead, focus on what you have concluded, what you have learned. That is why the experience was necessary. Open yourself to new experience. Very often when we cling, we do so because we are very comfortable. We know how we will feel — happy, safe — predictable. But it is entirely possible that other people, other circumstances will create the same or better feelings. The only way to find out is to let go of what has been and allow the new to come.

Non-Attachment to Outcomes.

Let things be. This does not mean it is not worth working for a better tomorrow. It only means that you are at peace with what is, without worrying that something is wrong with yourself or with life. It means grounding yourself in acceptance. Notice your attachment: If you have become attached to a certain outcome — a dream job, or perfect relationship — it may be creating the illusion that one day everything will be ideal. Notice it, and remember that the only moment that exists is now — and it is worth all your joy. Free yourself from the need to know everything. No matter how hard you try, you will not know everything. Life is unknowable, unpredictable. Attempts to predict everything will only drain your energy, because tomorrow there will be yet another tomorrow. There is no guarantee about how everything will turn out in the end. There is only this moment — live now. Fulfill your purpose already today: Already today you have everything you need to live a full and conscious life. The idea that a certain amount of money, a certain status, or certain quality of relationships is needed, and only then will life be fulfilled, is false. Do what you love — and do it today.

Non-Attachment to Feelings.

Accept that pain is inevitable. No matter how well you follow everything on this — or any other — list, you will lose things that are important, and it will hurt. But pain does not have to become suffering. Pain is inevitable — suffering is chosen. Name your feelings. Feel your feelings, acknowledge them, express them, and let them pass. Do not give up, but go through your feelings — let them be, but do not get lost in them. Write it down and throw it away. Write down your feelings, because you will not always be able to express them to the people they concern. Write in a journal, write a letter (and throw it away or burn it). It helps. Say thank you. Give thanks for moments of joy — however brief they may be. If a darker moment follows, remember that it comes to teach something — and in yet another moment there will be the next moment of joy. Everything in life is cyclical. Move toward peace. Each of our ultimate desires is peace and happiness. Even if right now you feel like being angry or sad, what lies behind these desires is the wish to be at peace with what has happened. Being at peace — that is an attitude, and it can be chosen. Choose it. Be now. Experience the moment, be aware of it, enjoy it, and let it go so the next one can come. It will not be easy. It is in human nature to cling and to feel happiness while holding tightly to one’s object. Simply remember that it will pass, but what always remains is your ability to choose how to respond to what happens. To cling and suffer, or to let go and be free. For inspiration I used this: http://zenhabits.net/zen-attachment/