Relationships Are an Exchange.

We are in relationships because we are not self-sufficient, unable to satisfy all our needs on our own. We give and we receive. We give what we have, what we can, and what we want to give. We receive what we lack, what we need and require.

I use the word relationships here in a broad sense — you and I also have a relationship right now: I want to write this article and you want to read it — that is the exchange happening between us — that is the relationship we currently have. But exchange works exactly the same way in personal/intimate relationships as well.

For example, I need food — and if I cannot prepare it myself, then I enter into a relationship with those who have food — with farmers (or shopkeepers, who in turn are in a relationship with farmers). Of course, the farmer does not simply give me food — they receive something from me that they need. That is how we are all connected in a large network, often through intermediaries. In couple relationships, the same kind of exchange takes place — we give and receive, usually without intermediaries. This exchange — what is given and received — is in constant flux. As our needs change, so does what we seek, what we look for, what we value. And others are the same — their needs change too, and consequently what others expect from us changes, what we give to others changes. Many different things are useful in exchange — both material (money, food, possessions), physical (space, physical help), psychological (conversations, listening, support, safety), and spiritual and energetic (here, as a psychologist, I will politely remain silent, but such things exist too. ;) Moreover, we can perform various conversions in exchange — the physical for the material (buying a service), or the psychological for the physical (sex in exchange for not being abandoned), and so on. Working with clients, one of the most frequent topics is precisely about relationships — using this relationships are an exchange model, it is often possible to understand where certain conflicts or disagreements in relationships arise, as well as to find possible solutions. Exchange in relationships can flow smoothly, with disruptions, or not happen at all — leaving needs unsatisfied. Relationships are easy when the exchange flows smoothly — we receive what we need, in the volume and quality we desire. Likewise, we give what the other needs — giving is easy, and the very act of giving brings joy (+ joy is yet another thing we receive). It is important that each of us subjectively feels a balance between what is given and what is received. I want to emphasize the word — subjectively, as well as remind you that the sense of balance can change over time. Our needs also change over time, and the other’s willingness to give changes too. Therefore, over time, we will receive not-what we want, or we will not receive what we want. There are two possibilities here — we receive more than we want (for example, we want attention, but it escalates into control and not being allowed to live our life). Or we receive less than we want (for example, a friend used to devote more time to us, but now something has changed, they are always busy and decline invitations to spend time together). Usually this situation can be resolved with a conversation (hey, I would like you to…), and if the other person is attentive and the relationship matters to them, they will take it into account. But sometimes it does not work. Sometimes you can strengthen your position in the conversation by directly affecting what the other receives from you (if you will not come to the theater with me, I will not go to the football with you). There is yet another possibility that damages relationships — when I receive something in the relationship that I did not want. For example, a friend who usually supported me starts criticizing me, reproaching me at every opportunity. Or — the other demands from me something I am not willing to give. Or does not accept from me what I would like to give (the need to give is also my need). All these situations indicate disturbances in the balance of exchange. If this balance cannot be restored, then a crisis sets in and the relationship may end. In the world of material exchange, it is simple — if my favorite yogurt is no longer at the store, I stop going to that store, my relationship with the store ends. But in closer couple/friend relationships, it can be very complicated and emotionally painful. Sometimes people wait for each other for years, even decades, for the other to finally start satisfying their needs. They suffer and agonize, and grieve, and reproach, but do not leave. I do not have one answer for what should be done in every relationship — staying together, separating, changing — all of that happens anyway. But looking at relationships as an exchange makes it possible to better understand what exactly is not working in the current relationship. I have also developed a method that can help in a structured way to see how exchange is happening (and not happening) in relationships. But if you are lucky and everything is fine with your current relationships, then there is no need to analyze them. Enjoy! :)