Hell in Relationships

“Hell is other people.”

This is the essence of Sartre’s 1944 play “No Exit”. [caption id=“attachment_921” align=“alignright” width=“300”] No exit. Sartre. Performance poster at Buratino Theatre.[/caption] The play is powerful. In the summer of 2014, the Buratino Theatre performed it in several showings. I thought about it a great deal — How does it happen that others become hell? The author himself explained it through our inescapable connection with others through judgment:

“It is thought that what I mean when I say that our relationships with other people are always poisoned, that they are inevitably hellish relationships. What I actually mean is something entirely different. I mean that if relationships with another person are twisted, corrupted, then that other person can only be hell. Why? Because… when we think about ourselves, when we try to know ourselves,… we use knowledge about ourselves that comes from other people. We judge ourselves with means that come from other people, means that others have given us. Whatever I say about myself, someone else’s judgment will always have entered into it… But this does not at all mean that we cannot have relationships with others. It simply shows the paramount importance of all others for each one of us.”

Of course, judgment matters and we do not always know where we acquired the values that guide us in daily life. However, there is also another level at which others become hell. I see that it is not others who are hell in themselves, but rather my own expectations, my longings. How does it work? I expect something from others that I do not receive. I expect them to fill my inner deficiency, my emptiness. That they will give me happiness, peace, harmony, and security. That together with another I will finally be fulfilled, whole, healthy, happy. But I do not receive this. And I am disappointed. And my disappointment turns to despair, then to anger. I try to change something. Persuade the other, force them, manipulate them — so that they finally give me what I long for. But nothing works. Frustration grows. I try to “change myself” — to adapt, be more understanding, more supportive, more attentive, more caring, more loving. For a while it helps, but — exactly to the extent that I have invested in improving my attitude, my expectations of the other have grown. And I say: see how good I am — now, appreciate me, finally give me what I long for! But I do not receive it again. And my anger, frustration breaks out and turns against the other. The relationship turns into hell. I can get stuck here too. Waiting and being disappointed, waiting and being disappointed. Like in Sartre’s play — three people who wait, and when they do not receive from one, they go to another, spinning in circles of hell. Hell is others — but they are not to blame for it. I expect from others what they cannot give me. And they cannot — not because they are evil, selfish, conceited, treacherous, or egotistic — no. Another person cannot give me this fulfillment IN PRINCIPLE. Another cannot heal my soul’s scars. Another cannot fill my emptiness. Cannot satisfy my inner hunger. Another simply cannot do it. In principle. As long as I expect this from others, others will be hell. I can replace one partner with the next, and then the next — but nothing will change. Expectations — initial promise — first disappointment — attempts to fix something — profound disappointment — anger and hatred — hell with no exit. As master Tolle said:

If in relationships you experience both “love” and its opposites — attacks, emotional violence and the like — then, most likely, you have confused ego attachment and habit with love. One cannot love one’s partner one moment and attack them the next. True love has no opposite. If your “love” has one, then it is no longer love but rather a strong ego need for a more complete and deeper sense of self, a need that another person can satisfy for a brief moment. In this way the ego substitutes salvation and for a brief moment you truly feel redeemed. … Relationships do not cause pain and suffering. Relationships release the pain and suffering that is already within you. … Running from relationships to avoid pain is not a solution either. The pain will be there regardless. Three failed relationships over three years will move you more toward awakening than three years spent on a deserted island or locked in your room. However, if you could add intense Presence to your solitude, nothing would prevent you from being happy.

~ Quote from the book “The Power of Now” But we mistakenly perceive the indicator as the source. The sign as the cause. The indicator as the origin. And as long as we live in this error, others will be hell.