Self-Control and Relationships

Self-control — the ability to not chase after urges, to not give in to temptations, is a valuable and developable quality. From the classic marshmallow experiment, through money management skills and efforts to eliminate impulsive shopping, to the Christian prayer for deliverance from desires — self-control is valued very highly.

But, as it turns out — high self-control has its shadow side, as a recent study shows. https://uwaterloo.ca/news/people-who-control-their-desires-can-face-social-isolation

People consider the inability to resist desires as human, and conversely — the ability to resist as characteristic of machines, robots. People feel that self-control makes people less human — more similar to a robot, a machine. Consequently, people with higher self-control are socially excluded, others turn away from them.

This is easy to imagine. If in a workplace the majority follows the news, Eurovision, some sport, is horrified about masks or war, or simply — gossips and likes to have a friendly drink, but one colleague does not engage with any of the offered topics and instead works — both at their job and on themselves — then they will fall out of the group — and not without the active support of the majority.

In other words — the majority (with low self-control) considers the minority (with high self-control) to be non-human and socially excludes them. Consequently, the dilemma seemingly is as follows — what do you want — to be accepted in the group (paying for that with the suffering caused by desire), or — to free yourself from your desires, master yourself, develop self-control (paying for that with the possibility that the majority may turn away from you).

This dilemma also has a more sensible resolution — it is possible to develop both self-control and sensitivity and compassion simultaneously. It is possible to learn to not follow one’s temptations while at the same time not becoming a cold robot — not losing the deepest and truest humanity — empathy, compassion, warmth, tenderness.

If one looks deeper, this exact combination is embedded in any serious spiritual teaching — they contain both practices for developing self-control and practices for developing compassion. Mindfulness too — if it is presented in a harmonious way, rather than, as is often the case in the Western world — emphasizing self-control and ignoring the emotional component.

So — if you decide to develop your self-control, the best method I know is mindfulness. Classes are available both online and in person. You can find out more here: https://linktr.ee/ansis