A Man Loves a Woman

A man loves not the Woman herself, but rather his own state of being when he is beside her. That is why the “Right Woman” is not necessarily the most beautiful, the most successful, the smartest, or the most shapely. What the Right Woman gives a man is not intellect, success, achievement, beauty, or a body, but a state, a feeling. And when a man is in this state - intellect, success, achievement, beauty, and everything else follows. A woman who can create this special state in a man will always be loved, protected, and cherished - a man will never leave her. In part, a woman creates this state in a man by enjoying her man and being delighted, by appreciating him. It works like a charmed circle - one creates feelings in the other, which the creator can then enjoy. When a woman takes care of herself - her appearance, her body, her soul - on the surface it may seem like “this way I will be more likable,” but in truth - if a woman likes herself, then this special state arises more easily in her man, he shows it to the woman - as a result, the woman feels recognized, valued - and receives confirmation that it is great to be great. A woman who awakens the man in her man becomes more of a woman. ~~~ When I had published the first part of this article, I received many comments and questions. Therefore, I continue, because only part has been said, while many essential things have remained unsaid. __It works. The described interaction works. Moreover, it works similarly for both genders - a woman’s attitude toward a man is also determined by the state that the man creates in her. The psyche has long identified the mechanisms underlying this interaction - transference, projection, projective identification. They operate in an unconscious way in absolutely all relationships we engage in. But the described interaction is not the only thing happening between a man and a woman. It is perhaps the simplest, the most visible, but not the only one. At the same time, this interaction has consequences, and not all of them are unambiguously positive.Attachment The feelings that one woman can create in one man can be so powerful, so great, that the man’s life completely transforms. The man becomes inspired and capable of moving mountains. Many of the world’s cultural values and achievements that we all enjoy were created by men inspired by women. The feelings a man experiences are so positive that, without exaggeration, it is called paradise. Yet here lies a risk. The man becomes attached to this feeling, begins to long for it. The man begins to expect that his woman will provide this feeling. He begins to demand it and becomes angry when/if he no longer receives that feeling, begins to blame the woman for no longer being able to provide it. In reality, this means that the man has become dependent on the woman, because he himself cannot ensure his own emotional well-being, but expects her to do it. I repeat once more that this state is so powerful, so mighty, that a man’s longing for such a state is immeasurable. And - logically - the man seeks it. If he can no longer obtain it from the current woman (coerce, persuade, buy), then he will likely seek another, hoping that a new woman will be able to give this feeling. Seeks one who would have this ability. But that is a dead end. It is (in the long term) impossible, and it empties both.Can it be different? Can we separate the feelings that another person creates in us and see them as they are? Love another as they are? It is not easy, but it is possible. Both spiritual practices and psychotherapy are united in the view that a person should strive to see things as they are. Likewise - to see other people and relationships with them as they are. To recognize one’s projections, one’s transferences, to see where and when I create images, fantasize, bring in something foreign, and where I see reality as it is. This path is not easy. Spiritual practice requires many years of persistent work. Psychotherapy requires just as much. It is perhaps a lifelong task, and living a secular life (rather than practicing in a monastery) we can only come somewhat closer to a clearer seeing of truth. But of one thing I am completely certain - this path is worth walking. Even knowing that it may not be possible to walk it to the end. It may not be possible. Love and truth And here is the age-old question of what love is. Does it arise in relationships? Or is it already inherently in each of us, and others merely reflect what is within us? Perhaps the other is the one who awakens my slumbering love? I do not have one answer. I sense that love is not a state where my feeling is dependent on another person’s actions, attitude, presence, reaction. Then it is not called love, but dependency. At the same time - love is not so self-sufficient that a specific other is irrelevant, whether they exist or not. It is possible that upon reaching an enlightened Buddha state it is so, and then it no longer matters what exactly the other person’s qualities are, what exactly they are like. I do not know, I have not been there. The truth is somewhere in between. But each person must find it for themselves. That is the path. And it is worth walking.