Ieva: How to Support a Man in Crisis?

Interview in Ieva magazine - interviewed by Agnese Meiere In the previous issue, we wrote about what to do if you are the sole breadwinner in the family — what emotions overwhelm you, how to fight them, and how to resolve the situation. This time, let us look at the crisis from the perspective of a man, psychotherapist A. J. Stabingis, and find out how to help him at the moment when he has lost his job. For a while now, your man has been out of work and spends most of his now free time at home. You know well enough that it is not easy for him — who would it be easy for, having lost a job. But the man does not talk about his feelings, of course — he is not used to it. And you do not ask, even though you agonize in thought — maybe you should… If you should, then how to do it properly, so as not to hurt him unnecessarily or make him angry. But what if you should not at all? How to act in such a situation and what does the man actually expect from you?

Men Are Weaker Than Women in Crisis

If you have to rack your brains about how to support a man in crisis, then what you should not do is perfectly clear — in a crisis situation, do not nag the man. Saying, I am the only breadwinner, but you just lie around and do nothing, or again — look how Juris got a job, but you have been lounging around the house for two months already! First, nagging will not improve the situation and will fire you up even more — you will start both pitying yourself and seeing in the man not just an unemployed person, but a million other flaws that did not bother you much before. Second, nagging will drive the man into even greater panic, depression, and inability to act. Why does this happen? As the psychotherapist explains, men in crisis are often weaker than women. And they also go through changes much harder than we women do. Whether or not you want to admit it, a man often experiences life’s difficulties much harder than you, he just does not show it to anyone. You would say — what kind of suffering — he lies there watching sports broadcasts all day long. The psychotherapist explains that the suffering can also manifest this way — the man may have sunk into such deep depression that he has neither the strength nor the desire to get up from the couch. As Karlis (39) tells it, last autumn he lost his job, even though until then he had worked in a prestigious auto service as a mechanic. “Now that I have just found work again, I can admit that at the time it seemed — I was finished. Well, what kind of man am I — my wife has to earn alone, support the children, who have countless needs… In the summer, we also had to pay for their camp and all the responsibility was on my wife again. I felt like the lowest scum. But I told my wife nothing, of course. What good would it do if I whimpered like her girlfriends? What was needed was a solution, not a chat. Although, if my wife had started the conversation, I probably would have told her how I felt. It seemed to me — she already has so many worries, why would I pile my problems on top of it all,” says Karlis. He adds that it was not like him, but losing the job had taken away any pleasure in doing anything — he did not even want to putter around the garden, which he usually enjoys very much. “The feeling is totally strange — you understand that something has to be done, maybe even more than before, but there is no strength,” the man admits. What to do at such a moment and how to help? The psychotherapist explains — you must talk! True, you must reckon with the fact that men are not used to discussing their problems and most often avoid conversations. A man’s typical behavior is to retreat to a corner (to the couch), silently think over the situation, and hope that a solution will come soon. Why is it so important to talk? Mainly because you do not know what the other person is thinking. Whether his thoughts are heading in a productive direction, searching for possible solutions, or in a destructive one — saying, it is all over, nothing works out for me, life has no meaning.

Talk to Him

And the most important thing — without turning on the nagging… It turns out that conversation is also a delicate art. Three different situations can develop here. If you are too gentle, patient, and wait for a solution together with him, the man may feel extremely comfortable. Everything is pretty great, she has no complaints, I can continue doing nothing! Sure, it is not the same comfort level as before, but it is still quite comfortable. There are quite a few men who do not want to give anything back but live as parasites — only taking. If, on the other hand, you are too aggressive and every day ask how many CVs he has sent, whether the kitchen cabinet is finally hung, and, damn it, when he will finally hang that painting that has been lying in the corner for years, the man will withdraw into his shell like a snail. The same couch scenario will repeat and the inability to even lift a finger, because complete hopelessness takes over the man. And then there is the third option — a conversation that allows the man to open up, tell how he really feels, and receive support. As the psychotherapist explains, the main thing a man wants to feel in a relationship is — that he is supported. That you believe in him and trust him. That you believe he is capable of finding a job, believe he will find a way out, and that he is not a loser. And the man also needs you not to breathe impatiently down his neck, waiting for him to do a hundred different chores, but to trust that he himself knows about these chores and is capable of doing them on his own (without reminders). And then, when he has hung the painting in the living room, fixed the door that would not close, or vacuumed the carpet, he needs a thank you for the work done. The fact that you accept with gratitude what the man does lifts him up. Gratitude, praise, and expressing appreciation for what has been done is the best motivator for the man to do even more and even better. Why does the man dislike it when you expect something from him? If only because no person is capable of justifying and fulfilling our expectations. The kitchen cabinet will certainly be hung three centimeters higher than you wanted, and the carpet could certainly have been vacuumed just a tiny bit better. So in the end, instead of gratitude for a job well done, he receives reproaches and disappointment. And next time… Well, next time he does nothing, because nothing he does will please you anyway. Keep in mind — the boundary between all three situations is extremely fine, so try not to cross it and end up in a territory where you do not want to be at all.

Collapse or New Possibilities?

If the man has lost his job and is now living at home, it would only be fair to redistribute all the previous duties that rested on your shoulders, right? There are families where the man will think of this himself and tell his wife — I do not have work now, but I can help you and do everything that needs doing at home. Now I will take it all upon myself and make sure that while you are the sole breadwinner in the family, you have nothing else to worry about. But what if it does not occur to him? In fact, this is the most likely and most common scenario, because few men will even think that you are overloaded. And even if it has occurred to him, the man does not understand how he can help you, because he does not know how to cook, and just the thought that he could go to the kitchen and help with something terrifies him. The only solution acceptable to him — find a job as soon as possible. For this man, it seems impossible to accept a role reversal and come to terms with the fact that he will now be the homemaker and his wife the breadwinner. And again — to resolve the situation, you must talk. And it depends on you how this conversation will go. It matters in what position this conversation takes place. It can be a fight of one against the other — I work all day, but what have you done? Then the man feels like a loser and his hands drop even further. The conversation will go much more successfully if you both, as a couple, stand together against the situation. You both together acknowledge that the situation is what it is, both discuss what the possibilities are and how each of you will act. The psychotherapist warns, however, that you will most likely not find the solution in one day. Because — just as problems do not arise in one day, neither do solutions. If you have not talked between yourselves before, it may be difficult to start the conversation. On the other hand, if conversations have been a part of your daily routine, finding a solution will be much easier. And yet — whether it is customary or not, lead your man toward conversations. Remember — there are two ways out of a crisis. One — when everything collapses. Relationships, hopes… The other way out — if something new is found. New possibilities and new turns in the relationship. The psychotherapist explains that it is much easier, of course, to let the relationship go down the drain, because the difficult situation itself leads toward that solution. It is harder to search for and find new solutions, but these are new possibilities for both of you.

Both Must Change

Are you expecting changes from the man? In vain! First, you yourself must look at him with different eyes. Changes mean that you must see in the man something entirely different from what you have seen before. If you usually saw a strongman in him, then try to see weakness in him. If you always thought your man was someone to push around, try to see strength in him. If you change internally and are able to look at the situation differently, you will find a way out. But if you say — everything is fine with me, he is the one who needs to change, then the relationship is unfortunately already a write-off. The psychotherapist explains — if you want the crisis to pass and your relationship to improve rather than sink, start with changes in yourself. Ask yourself the question — what can I do differently so that the situation changes. Einstein once said — doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is insanity. This means — if you have always nagged the man, now start appreciating him. You must be able to see the good in your man. You must be able to find what good he has done and praise him for it. Is a crisis an identifier of the strength or weakness of a relationship? Actually, yes. A crisis reveals the truth — what your relationship is really like. It is also an endurance test. If you buy a car and only drive it around the city at fifty kilometers per hour, that is not a test of the car. The test is when you drive through snow in winter, through rough terrain… Only then can you see what it is capable of. It is similar in relationships. In difficult situations, you see what the relationship is worth. In good times, it is easy to be a good husband or wife. It is entirely different when circumstances worsen. Remember that in a crisis, both you and the man need a transformation of views, which means stepping back from the usual problem-solving approach and solving them differently. Change your profession, become an entrepreneur, change your apartment! There are vast numbers of possibilities, the main thing is to notice them. And the same applies to the man — he must change too. Even if he has said he will never set foot near the stove, perhaps this is the right time for change. The more flexible you both are, the more successful! Women often reproach men for not caring about anything and not knowing how to take responsibility. The psychotherapist says — partially this is indeed the case. But not out of malice. Simply, women as nest builders have from nature a greater sense of responsibility. Also inherent from nature is that a woman sees much more broadly and superficially than a man, while he sees more narrowly and deeply. We women immediately see and evaluate various options — saying, if it does not work this way, you can try this and also that. A man, on the other hand, sees it this way — if his idea does not work, there is no other way out. And he ends up in a dead end. Such a worldview also usually creates vast numbers of problems. If, for example, a man has been a carpenter, switching to another profession and job is extremely difficult for him. For women, on the other hand, it is much easier — they can switch relatively quickly and easily. Does that mean a man can miss a good job offer because he is fixated on one single option? Yes! If he is looking for, say, a carpenter’s job, but he is offered a sales manager position, he can calmly turn it down. It does not even occur to him that he could be a manager, because he is a carpenter! Perhaps in this case it is important for the woman to suggest possible solutions? Yes and no. The question is how you do it. It is good to suggest solutions, but it is bad to suggest them in the form of a reproach. The only way out, again, is conversations — about possibilities, new professions, and adaptation.

A Man’s Happiness — in the Woman

Does a man feel good if he has agreed to become a homemaker? Even if just temporarily… Possibly, this solution may become tiresome, but the psychotherapist again recommends talking about it. Because how else will you find out whether your man is satisfied with the existing arrangement. Moreover, conversations must become a daily component, not a campaign-like event. How to start talking if it has never been done? Ask how he is doing. “Fine…” If the answer is like this, tell about yourself. Just keep in mind — if you tell the man something, he will take it as if you are asking him for advice and a solution. Even if you simply tell how your day at work was, the man will hear it as a question — what should I do. If he tries to answer this question, listen and accept, even if the situation has long been resolved. That is how the skill of conversation begins. If a woman can find fulfillment in homemaking, can a man too? Or is it more important for him to be a hunter and bring home the prey (money)? On one hand, bringing home the prey is more important. However, the psychotherapist invites you to think about why it is important to the man and why he does it. The most common reason why a man fights for the prey at all is the desire to make his woman happy, to earn her gratitude, her smile, her appreciation, and recognition. And if he gets this recognition from you, he will with greater joy and energy bring home an even bigger mammoth (money). Believe it or not, it is extraordinarily important for a man that his woman is happy. If the woman is happy because of him, then he too is happy. If the woman appreciatively values the man’s help at home, does he feel awkward in society’s eyes because he cannot earn? How does he feel if the wife’s friend comes visiting and proudly announces that her husband gave her a ring? The psychotherapist says — at this moment, what matters most to the man is what his wife says about it all. Does she side with the friend and say — oh, you have such a great husband! Or does she side with her husband and say — well, but mine watched the children all day. If you are on his side, the man could not care less what others say about him. But if you side with the friend and bitterly comment — yes, mine has never even given me flowers, the man feels terrible. You may never have thought about it, but the psychotherapist emphasizes — it is so arranged that a woman’s happiness usually comes from the family, while a man’s happiness comes from the woman. This means — if the man takes care of the family, the woman will feel happy and will make the man happy. We women often forget or do not understand that a man’s happiness comes from us — from what we are like and how we treat our man. If we know how to support our man, he can endure a great deal, he can move mountains. If we do not… Well, then I suppose that is that.